Every time I received these kinds of answers I had to remind the client that coaching is all about taking action; simply stating what you want to be or have (or feel) isn’t going to make it happen.  Only an action that you carry out will help to create your desired end result.

A classic answer from some clients that state intention but not action are:-

• I just need to be more confident
• I want to work on being more understanding
• I want to feel more comfortable in this situation
• I’m going to be more proactive
• I going to stop smoking

All of these statements came from clients when I asked them what action they were going to take over the following week. None of these answers are statements of action; they are all intentions or desired results.

It’s great to have clarity around the result you want, but without knowing how you are going to achieve it you’ll end up putting all your hopes into something just ‘happening like magic’. Just because you said it.

Intentions or statements of a desired result often contain the words “BE”, “HAVE”, “FEEL”, “WANT” or “NEED”.

If you find that when you are setting yourself actions to progress, you are using the above words then chances are you aren’t setting yourself an achievable action. This makes it impossible to complete, so it’s guaranteed to fail.

Make sure you are setting yourself real actions by following these simple steps:-

1. Think of your action as being something physical you have to do.
2. Your action should be something that takes a certain amount of time. It can be just a few minutes or even seconds, but if you can’t imagine how long it will take then it’s not an action!
3. Research is still action! Talking to others about something or looking up more information is still 100% better than just wishing something will occur. Schedule time in your diary and talk over things with a good friend – preferably a good listener.

So once you have decided what you want to “BE” or “HAVE”, consider what is it that you are actually going to “DO” about it.

Remember, just taking ONE small action is infinitely more effective than just thinking about it!

Chris and Sam cover how to identify your own pet peeves and how to turn the situation around convert problem into a solution and often how to even stop it becoming a recurring frustation.

Make connections

So what is rapport?
A dictionary definition describes it as relation; connection, esp. harmonious or sympathetic relation. It’s all about communicating effectively in your life, to strengthen your connection with people and ensure you are understood. And it has its roots in the French verb, rapporter, to bring back. It’s a give and take scenario here. Successful communication is equally important between family, friends, lovers, and work colleagues. Personal development expert, Tony Robbins asks: “Is it more important to be right, or more important to be in love with someone?” Good question!

It’s your choice: win friends and influence people? (Dale Carnegie’s seminal book, originally written for sales people in 1937 is still a best seller) or in the case of journalist Toby Young: lose friends and alienate people [great book/hilarious movie].

When younger, I made little effort to maintain rapport with people who rubbed me up the wrong way. But in hindsight and some age-gathered wisdom, I now see that these people were generally just mirroring aspects of myself I hadn’t integrated or were still completely unaware of. These ‘pain in the butt’ folks were actually my greatest teachers – or would have been if I hadn’t exited sharply stage left. Today, I’m happy to say I rarely dismiss new contacts out of hand, and instead take time to find out what makes them tick. To imagine the world from their view and stand in their shoes for a while. Not easy, but a whole lot smoother on the nervous system than outright condemnation and disregard.

I’ll admit to only just having read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People  and will also admit to being blown away by its contents. Despite its much-maligned title, Mr C’s message is as applicable today as it was in the Thirties. And you don’t have to be in sales to benefit. This book has made me sit up and think so profoundly that I’m going to repeat 10 of his building blocks of successful rapport right here:

Don’t criticise, condemn or complain.
Give honest and sincere appreciation. Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound, in any language.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Make the other person feel important. And do it sincerely.
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong”
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Let the other person save face.

By applying even a few of these each week since reading the book, I’ve noticed a profound change in my relationships with others. Most noticeably is that I’ve become infinitely more interested in other people. Not just people who are like me. But everyone I meet! Every human being you are likely to encounter in life will have an incredible story to tell. And is always worth listening to.

Here are my own tips for creating better rapport:

1.    Make eye contact. And hold it for longer (without staring!)
2.    Make your body language open. Uncross your arms, uncover your heart and turn to face the person you are talking to. This encourages openness and trust.
3.    Show that you’ve been listening by asking appropriate questions. Sincerely. Most people spend 95% of their time thinking about themselves. They love it when you show genuine interest in what you’re doing.
4.    Find common ground from the beginning of the conversation. Generally, people like people who are like themselves.
5.    Listen for verbal thinking preference clues. Is the person you are talking to visual (I see what you’re saying), Aural (I hear you), Kinaesthetic (How do you feel about?).
6.    Step into the other person’s shoes and imagine life from their viewpoint. Not a single person on the planet has exactly the perspective on life. Yet we often imagine other people see things exactly the way we do. Wrong!
7. Match your tone, pace, volume and inflection – without it being obvious – to the person with whom you’re talking. I’m not talking about mimicry here, rather a subtle shift in the way you communicate.

The above points are easy to practice – and you’ll be amazed at the results. Happy connecting!

Photo: www.persuasive.net