I’ve been struggling with the discovery that one of our beloved cats, Patsy, has developed a cancerous growth on her leg. We had been told that it wasn’t the type of tumor that spreads. So the prognosis was that removal of the growth would be relatively easy.

We checked Patsy into the animal hospital early January to undergo surgery that cost more than £2000, and as far as we are concerned, worth every penny. During the operation the surgeon discovered a further two “nodules”, which he also removed and sent off for analysis.

It’s now two weeks since Patsy had her operation and her recovery has been amazing. She’s back to her old bouncy self. However one of the nodules tested positive for cancerous cells – just when we thought everything was going so well. We are now left not knowing if all the tumours have been removed or if they have spread to other places in her body. So we have no idea if Patsy will be with us in 4-6 months time, or live for another 8-9 years.

Coming to terms with not knowing can be a struggle, even at the best of times. When it’s something like this it’s even harder. You don’t know whether to grieve or celebrate and nothing seems to help. We’ve realised that no matter how long the uncertainty lasts, the main priority is for us to enjoy spending time with and loving Patsy – however long she’s got. Whether it’s a few months or a few years, we are now committed to cherishing every moment with her.

No matter if your struggle is with a pet, a loved one, a job or any situation where coming to terms with “making the most of it” is tough. We all deal with things differently. But allowing yourself to go through some sort of grieving process is incredibly healing.

Talking about the situation with friends and family is absolutely key. Getting plenty of rest is also vital, as it’s astounding how draining this kind of emotional turmoil can be! Don’t be afraid to cry, with others or even on your own. Tears are an excellent way to release pent up emotions. Finally making a vow to “do the best you can” is always a good mindset.

Sometimes it feels like we’re swinging from one extreme to the other – one moment careening towards a crash, and a moment later, struggling up the mountain without a clear view of when (or if) we’ll reach the top.

Life can feel like a rollercoaster ride of heady peaks and stomach-churning troughs, and whilst we would all be terribly bored if it was just a flat track to the horizon… wouldn’t it be great if we could learn to balance out those pendulum-swings just a little? Even-it-up a bit so that it flowed more smoothly, and we could actually start to enjoy the ride?

Sam joins Paul on his train-journey of discovery into how we can keep the momentum and motivation flowing when we need it most!

I’ve now been going back to the gym for 3 weeks, 4-5 times a week. I’ve discovered that if I just go to the gym 2-3 times a week my days off become too tempting for me to have “just another” day off. Always promising myself “I’ll go tomorrow!”, which of course I ended up repeating the next day, until every shred of motivation had been stripped away.

So my first trick is to go every day. Even if it’s only for 30-45 minutes.

After a few days of this routine, or especially after a nice relaxing and rather over indulgent weekend, I would find Mondays a bit of a struggle. So this time I ended up allowing myself to reel off all the excuses of why I didn’t need to go today… but while I was actually getting ready and walking out of the door!

It was a bit like when you see a mother trying to put a coat on a petulant child. The child loudly protests and gives all the reasons why she doesn’t want, or need to wear her coat. However, when the mother humorously just agrees with her daughter, the child allows her to put it on.

During my own wrestle with my inner voice – while getting dressed for the gym – I managed to come up with the following excuses:

• It’s very early
• I’m still tired
• Maybe I’m hungover
• I might be ill
• I can take a day off
• I can go tomorrow
• Maybe I could go later
• Oh, I don’t have my iPod I will definitely have to go back home
• If I go back home I may as well stay there, it’s not worth it…

I was actually about 10 paces out of my front door by the time the iPod excuse was thrown in. But I didn’t turn around, I just kept marching my petulant child (my inner voice) off to the gym.

The great thing about this technique is that you end up building your motivation by doing what you really want to do, despite all the de-motivating self-talk. The following day, my motivation had returned to almost full strength. By today (Wednesday) I had no problem what-so-ever!

Remember, it’s ACTION that promotes MOTIVATION, not in-action.

Can you relate to the feeling of:

• Making things harder for yourself than they need to be?
• Allowing yourself to be distracted by something other than your priority?
• Punishing yourself when something isn’t perfect?
• Taking on too much when you know you can’t fit everything in?

Sometimes sabotage can show up in a way that obviously affects our goals, and other times it can show up more subtly. For example, I recently noticed myself being clumsy and getting injured a lot – which is very unlike me. All the bumps and bruises were subtly trying to distract me from the important actions I needed to take. But a more obvious example is: if you are focusing on becoming more healthy, then buying chocolates and crisps (because someone else in the house or visitors might need them) is a more direct form of sabotage – which puts the temptation right in front of you.

So why do we self-sabotage – particular the dreams we most want?

And more importantly, what can we do about it?

There is usually a pattern to our sabotaging behaviour, and this is likely to be driven by an underlying fear – so that we aren’t consciously aware of it, but it is ticking away in our sub-conscious like a time-bomb.

Because the fear is buried away, it can be hard to identify, but at its heart – the attempts to stop you achieving what you want are also giving you something to blame when things do go wrong. For example, “I would have achieved that if only … hadn’t gone wrong.”

So here is a 3-step plan for nullifying self-sabotage:

1. Starting from a place of building awareness, there are little signs we can look for to spot self-sabotage in action:
   • If you catch yourself doing something that is “unlike you”
   • If it feels like the world & his dog are against you, and trying to stop you from achieving your goal
   • If you are having trouble concentrating on and prioritising what is important to you
   • Things are feeling much harder and more draining than you think they should be

   Once you start noticing these feelings or behaviours, then you can choose to do something about it. The key to ending self-sabotage is to be willing to explore what is causing it – because when you bring it to light, it can’t continue to tick away underneath the surface anymore.

2. Explore the underlying fear. This is unlikely to be the most obvious reason, so asking yourself some quality questions can help identify the root cause:
   • What will it mean for me if I achieve my dream (or do well at this)?
   • What will people think of me once I’ve reached my goal?
   • I deserve my dream because…?

   For example, I was suffering severe stage fright prior to doing some live webinars and calls recently. I’ve never had stage-fright before, but it wasn’t fear of speaking to a group of people that was affecting me. When I asked myself the first question above, I realised that if I did well at this one it would mean I’d have to do more of them! So it was more about avoiding the thing that felt uncomfortable, than doing the actual presentation itself.
   You might not need to work through each of these questions, or there might be another question that works better for you. But if none of them resonate, then you can try asking yourself “Why?” five times when thinking about the fear that is holding you back to uncover its root.

3. Finally, it will help to choose empowering beliefs that will help you towards your dream rather than halt you from it. Try asking yourself:
   • What would I need to believe about myself to feel confident about achieving my goal?
   • What would I need to believe about myself to feel I deserve my dream?
   • In order to enjoy working towards my goal, what would I need to believe about it/myself?

   Again – you only need to answer one or two of these questions, but if you struggle to answer any of them there is another place you can start. Instead, ask yourself: “In order to feel so badly about taking this action or achieving my goal I’d need to believe …?”And once you’ve answered that one, return to the other questions. Chances are you’ll now find an answer to one of them, which you can compare to your initial response. You can then choose to work with and nurture the belief that empowers you, rather than the one that has been holding you back and sabotaging your success.

And once you’ve worked through these three steps, you can then address some of the feelings that self-sabotage had been causing – like learning to say “no” to something if you’ve already got other commitments or before you get to the point of feeling like there is too much to do; allowing something to be “good enough” rather than aiming for the impossible ideal of perfection; getting very clear about your priority, so that distractions come second-fiddle; and allowing the process of taking action towards your dream or goal to be easy and enjoyable instead of expecting it to be hard and painful!

Have you had any experiences of self-sabotage? How did you spot them, and how did you respond? Let us know whether you’ve had dreams derailed by fear, or whether you’ve been able to turn it around. And please do share with us if any of this resonated, or if the 3 steps help you move forwards with your goal!

I wish I could tell them everything will be fine by the time they wake up tomorrow, but it won’t.

I wish I could ease their burden by taking away or fixing some significant part of their problems, but that’s just not possible.

I wish I knew exactly the right words to say: one magic phrase to help them through this. Sadly, I’m not magician.

It’s a horrible thing to be going through for anyone. I feel terrible that there’s no way I can fix things for them and make everything better. Even sending money would only bring mild and very temporary relief. The only thing I can offer them that will make a difference, is my time. By talking through with them what undoubtedly must feel like one of the worst times in their life.

I know for sure that when I went through hard times myself, it wasn’t so much what people said, but that they still wanted to talk to me. My friends and family didn’t have all the answers. Often they struggled to fully understand how much pain and suffering I was going through.

But the fact that they tried made the world of difference.

Out of all the conversations, there will be that one word or idea that seemed to provide just a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Talking to them was often uncomfortable as I would have to be more open and honest than I would really have liked, and I’m sure at times, they felt that way too.

I realised that it was those people that were my light at the end of the tunnel. Without them I would have never found my way out. I hope, in some way, I can be that light for my friends who are in need right now.

During a recent session it quickly became clear that I was on the verge of taking on too much. Over the last few months the power of being coached has resulted in some significant changes in my life and how I view situations. I’d been actively putting in a lot of work, spinning a lot of plates and generally been about as busy as I could physically be.

What surprised me was that I’ve now reached a point where pretty much everything is going to plan, on track and on schedule. I found myself looking for that extra thing that would put me back into the sensation of feeling, well rushed, busy and on the edge of coping.

I had become so used to “working my butt off” that now I had been able to schedule things better, automate them or even outsource them (my new favourite thing!) I was presented with a strange feeling of “what next?”!

Thankfully working with my coach I was able to see that, I was busy, very busy in fact. I was however, working smarter, better than before and I was now producing the results without having to work 16 hours a day. Ultimately I want to keep it this way, working at a pace that is healthy and even FUN!  As long as I’m still progressing, make moves in the direction that I want to go at a pace that works, then I’m doing the right thing.

I’d love to hear from others that have almost become so used to feeling rushed, that they often end up missing that feeling when everything is going to plan. What do you do to make sure you don’t overload yourself, just because you feel you should. How do you know when enough is enough?

What are you feeling?

CONNECTING TO OUR EMOTIONS can be scary for many of us. We’ve been brought up to hide, suppress or even completely deny what our bodies and feelings are telling us. We often believe we will be overwhelmed if we ‘feel’ too much – so we take the very unhealthy option of shutdown, or escaping down the proverbial rabbit hole. Not a great idea…

Often when I ask clients how they ‘feel’, they really don’t know.  And there have been times when I’ve run myself so ragged, I don’t know ‘how’ I feel either.  Yet our body is our barometer of truth. It never lies. Whereas our minds can make up any old story to keep us shut down (ergo safe) and protected. But if we’re not open to feeling it makes it harder to actually give and receive. To feel connected. To engage. With ourselves and others. To hear what our subconscious is trying to tell us.

In repressed, stiff upper lip Britain, showing too much exuberance or emotion is still, incredibly, not the done thing. Witness the media vitriol poured on Kate Winslet for her breathy, emotional acceptance speeches recently and you’ll get the gist. For God’s sake don’t get too excited about anything. After you’ve had 10 pints or a bottle of Grey Goose, that’s fine though. Why do so many Brits need alcohol to let loose and express themselves?

But I digress… showing emotion and connecting to feelings can be tough, if you’ve been brought up in a family or a society that doesn’t encourage such behaviour. So what can you do to start feeling again and showing your emotions – in all their technicolour glory?

1. Stop worrying about what other people will think if do you show your emotions. Men, God bless ‘em are still loathe to crack the mask in public. What a strain that must be – holding it all in.  Fear, anxiety and sadness are part of what it means to be human. Not a Terminator. Come on guys, gals – and all you intellectuals out there. Cut loose!

2.  Talking of intellect – get out of your head! Both men and women have been conditioned to believe that the head is the safest place to be. The seat of all wisdom. The one place that won’t let us down or make a fool of us. Wrong. Talking to a head is tedious, boring and without heart. Get back into your heart and speak from there. Start slowly. Feel your heart and take a risk, little by little. You’ll be amazed at the response. No more head-butting!

3. Releasing emotions is good – it acts as a safety valve and helps us to avoid meltdown. Unless you take part in regular sport, or spend Saturday afternoons shouting out your pent up stuff from the stands at a football match, chances are you are holding on to a great deal of emotion. Find a field and go and SCREAM! Or if you have a car, find a motorway on a quiet afternoon, wind down the window and SCREAM (but keep your head inside). It feels very very good, believe me!

4. Show emotion in your relationships. If your partner has pissed you off, tell them. If you’re happy with them, show it! They’re not mind readers. Check out your defence mechanisms and challenge them a little. Are they appropriate now, or is it younger aspects of yourselves that are still hurt that are running the show? If so, then I recommend seeing a therapist to help you access parts of yourself that have escaped down the rabbit hole.

5. Careful with opening up too much at work – at least to begin with. Feel what the company culture is like and make tiny steps into revealing yourself more.

As the very word itself suggests – emotion is e- motion.. it’s simply energy moving through us and needs to be expressed – safely!

Happy emoting!

Photo: http://neuronarrative.wordpress.com

Photo by garryknight

To say I’ve been busy lately would be a gross understatement. I’m not going to list out everything I’ve been juggling – at least half of which has been on strict deadlines – but I’m talking about things on the level of starting a new job, doing a major college assignment, planning a 3wk trip to the other side of the world… and I’ve had about 8-9 of these things on the go for a few months now.

What’s got me through day by day has been simply putting one foot in front of the other – taking that next little step that would get me a bit closer to whatever was needed (as well as a simple ‘project plan’ that allowed me to keep track of it all). Not everything has been given equal attention, and I wouldn’t be human if some things hadn’t slipped down the priority list; but what is more interesting is what I noticed today.

I’ve got 2 days left before I fly out, and am at the stage where I can start saying “What doesn’t get done before I get on that plane stays undone until I get back”. Today was a positive one, as I could actually tick off a couple of important milestones including one of the major projects – YAY!!! I finally allowed myself an hour’s grace to meet with a friend (multi-tasking to discuss kitty-sitting), and take a deep breath or two before the next step on the plan when I caught myself with the following shocking thought: “What am I missing? I must have something else urgent to add to my list because I can’t possibly be calm before I go away!”

Whoa! Where the hell did that come from?! It is like I’ve programmed myself to get to a point of exhaustion before I jump onto a long-haul flight; and the remote possibility that I might somehow have all urgent things completed before I leave for the airport seemed too difficult to fathom – so instead my mind went digging for other things to pile onto the pressure gauge.

At least I caught myself – this time. I can choose that I’ll only do what I’ve already planned to do, and anything else can wait. I don’t have to be a wreck physically, emotionally and mentally to be able to sleep on the plane. And I’ve really still got enough to do to keep me out of mischief until I leave anyway!

Would you notice if you were making things harder for yourself?

I’ve had sinus troubles again recently. Not an unfamiliar story. Luckily, I managed to minimise the infection this time through some timely use of nasal spray, ibuprofen and a lot of rest over the weekend despite having a list of priority things a mile long to do (including studying for an exam on the Monday).  So I got through the exam, and was back at work feeling a wee bit sorry for myself, but confident that I wasn’t posing any risk to my colleagues. I might not have been the sharpest tack in the building, but I was functioning.

However, there were times in the past when I perhaps didn’t rest; when I kept pushing myself through the things that needed doing and consequently spent weeks recovering from the serious infection that set in. Worse still, I remember instances in my corporate past when I went to work ‘sick as a dog’ with something contagious because of some urgent task or backlog of work that needed attention. So what is the right decision when all’s ill? Here are some questions to consider before you start sharing your germs around:

• How urgent are the tasks? (Is there anything that I can delegate, delay or drop?)
• If tasks are truly urgent, can I work from home?
• How much of a risk am I to myself? (Am I likely to make myself worse by going in to work? What are the consequences if I do end up bedridden?)
• How much of a risk am I to my colleagues? (Am I contagious? What is the impact to the workload and the team if I share this illness with them all?)
• How effective will I actually be when I am feeling this unwell? (How well can I concentrate? How is the quality of my work being affected?)

It might be a tough pill to swallow, but the world doesn’t stop revolving if we have a few days off ill. Sure – there are likely to be consequences, but it is worth pausing to more accurately weigh up the costs of going in to work vs giving yourself a day (or a few) to rest and recover more quickly.

What will you do when you’re next under the weather?

(And if you do decide to venture in to work when next ill, ask yourself how you feel at the end of that day – and if the answer is “worse” then what might your body be trying to tell you? A new day, a new choice!)

Sometimes in life, you get shat upon. Sometimes, there’s no avoiding it or the messy clean-up job that follows.

As a teen, I owned a shirt that said:

“I’m always in the shit –
Only the depth varies!”

It can be a great metaphor for what life ‘throws’ at you. Still: there are times when you half expect it, and other moments where the timing could not be any worse.

A few weeks ago – I was shat on, quite literally.

I was at a party, which was the first major opportunity for me to meet some new people locally, and I was quite excited that there were fellow motorbike-riders and vegetarians present! It was outdoors, since the Scots are quick to make the most of any fair weather, and there was both a big BBQ and a smaller ‘veggie’ one heating up.
I spent most of the night clustered around one or other of the BBQs trying to stay warm, and was by the smaller of the two when a bird flying above let it’s bowel contents go…right on the crown of my head.
I was of course blissfully ignorant of the risk – right up until the point of impact; and disbelief (“this couldn’t happen to me right now!”) warred with shock only long enough for me to jump up & rush inside, but not before the news had started circulating through the 30-something gathered.

I wish I could say it was the 1st time*, & I can’t say with any certainty that it will be the last. But what are the odds of being shat on by a bird flying (not sitting – but flying!) overhead, twice in your life?

It is said to be lucky. And someone joked about rushing out to buy a lottery ticket. But as I was upstairs in the bathroom having the front half of my hair washed in a tiny sink by a very caring but equally inebriated woman, I commented that this must be said simply to help make the dirtied one feel better!

However, apart from a bit of embarrassment that it happened in front of such a crowd, I was quite bemused by the whole episode and making jokes about people having a unique reason to remember me! It would have been really easy to get totally upset about it, to cry, and to feel too embarrassed to return to the party. But I was determined to make the most of the evening that I had been enjoying until rudely interrupted, and wasn’t going to let a bit of bird-luck get in my way. The woman helping me wash my hair remarked that I seemed so calm about the whole thing, and asked what I did. She laughed when I told her I was a lifecoach, and said that quite explained it!

Joking aside – what I did in that moment – was to notice that I had a choice. I couldn’t choose to undo the fact that I had been shat upon, but I could choose to have a miserable end to my evening, or a wonderful one. This is not a choice that is solely available to coaches, nor is it about ‘positive thinking’. At no point did I feel like thanking the bird that inadvertently caused this. I didn’t even buy into the ‘it’s lucky’ idea. I simply chose my reaction to a situation I couldn’t have avoided.

It would also have been easy to get really angry with the bird, or with a party being held outside on a cold evening, or the injustice in the world! And there is a great piece of wisdom in one of the 55 Concepts that I’ve mentioned before:

“People [birds, life] don’t do things TO you;
They do them FOR themselves.”

The bird didn’t choose to deliberately dump its waste on my head. The bird simply needed to relieve itself, and I was perhaps in the wrong place at the wrong time.

What choice will you make, when life next dumps you in an unpleasant mess?

P.S. (*The 1st time – about 5yrs ago in London, I did let it did spoil my day!)

We chatted for a bit, then he asked me the ‘big question’ – “Are you still playing?” I admitted, yes – that I was but that I was more aware of when I chose to play these days. He has been cold-turkey for quite a while now, so he sent me a link, and mentioned that it may inspire me to write a blog post. The site is www.wowdetox.com, and whilst I realised it was a link aimed to help people overcome their WoW addiction, I didn’t really expect it to have a lot of immediate relevance to me.

Paul and I have mentioned WoW on podcasts and blog posts from time to time – which is why I felt this dedicated post was appropriate. And for the record, I’d like to state that whilst I talk openly about my own gaming experience, in NO circumstances would I recommend WoW to anyone. In fact, I’d say ‘avoid it if you want to have any life’.

To give a bit of history, I’ve been playing WoW since it first came out ~ Feb/Mar 2005. Sure, I’ve had a few blocks of between 1-6 months of quitting it, but at its peak – I was playing >8hrs per day… this was on top of working 8-9hrs in my day-job, and commuting another 1-2hrs a day as well. You can imagine, that didn’t leave a lot of time for sleeping, socialising or anything much else! I jokingly referred to it as my 2nd fulltime role. After all, I was a high ranking ‘officer’ in a successful guild (invite-only community) – and my sense of obligation and duty to lead by example was a stunning display of commitment. I even used to boast about the fact that I had been in every raid organised by our guild minus only a couple, and only my dear friend Mem had a better attendance record than me!

With hindsight, I felt totally unfulfilled in my corporate role, and incredibly under-appreciated. WoW, and more so the community I felt I belonged to, fed my need for achievement and appreciation. It was only a very personal falling-out with the leader of the guild (another friend) that drew me out of that ever-worsening cycle. I took a 6 month break.

Still, I returned. And still I do.

Today, spending only a few minutes reading a couple of posts by fellow WoW-addicts on the Detox site, and watching the short video on there had me in tears.

I confess, I am a WoW addict. I may play a lot less hours per week now, and I’ve avoided getting caught up in any organised raiding anymore. But there is a pull that brings me ever back.

After 4+ years, I’ve developed some strong and wonderful relationships with people I’ve met through WoW. A lot have left the game & moved on; many, like myself, have had time-out but ultimately returned. The creators of the game did what real life has failed to do for many of us. They have created an environment wherein for the most part, you can put in time & effort, and you are guaranteed a reward or result.

Leaving University, I was totally disparaged in my first year of ‘the real world’ – because I learnt the hard way that in ‘Corporate’, the time & effort you put in very rarely equate to the reward and recognition you receive. Having been very academically gifted (where applied studiousness guarantees high results), that was an unpleasant shock!

But WoW delivers in this way that real-life largely fails to. And they charge us for this ‘pleasure’!

There are a myriad other reasons why WoW has been so popularly successful across the world – social sense of belonging, being judged by a face you choose to show (avatar) rather than the one you were born with, a fresh start where people don’t know your background or mistakes, not wanting to miss out on something new or fun, and I could go on. And to be fair, there is a lot about the game itself that I actually do enjoy!

The cost, however, is much MUCH higher than the monthly subscription fee I’ve been paying for over 4 years now and the initial game purchase price.

I always knew it was a form of escapism for me, and thought this was ok because my life after all was quite stressful! But today, I was reminded that WoW is a serious addiction for many people – and in some cases, a life-destroying one.

The Detox video asks you to consider if you are ready to cut back your game-time, or quit. And it reminds you that it is ok if you aren’t ready for that yet. The most important message they deliver is simply awareness.

I am not ready yet.

I really value the friendships I’ve built with certain people over time; and I know that the important ones will persist post-game if they’re meant to. But until I can replace WoW’s achievement-fulfilling ability with my own internal structure of reward and recognition – I’m still going to be drawn back. Even as a Coach, I’ve long recognised that I tend to miss out on the acknowledging of my progress and celebrating it (ideally with occasional rewards). This is something I easily help my clients with though and I see the amazing impact it has – so I’m having to be more conscious in applying it to my own life! It’s not just high-achievers who often overlook this.

So. Action: I’m going to talk to some of my gaming friends, and explain to them that if they need me for something, they can send me a text. If I’m available, I’ll log on. This way, I’ll start addressing the false sense of obligation I have to log in and play – ‘just in case one of them needs my help’.

And perhaps there’s a podcast in the wings here, where Paul and I can explore the nature of addiction and the importance of awareness – and choice.

Not all addictions are as debilitating as alcohol or as sinister as drugs. Food, sex, smoking, crises, WoW – whatever it is… the first step on the path to freedom is acknowledging your addiction (being honest with yourself), and to start noticing that is not serving you as well as you’d thought – and is likely doing you great disservice.

I don’t want to simply quit WoW, and end up replacing it with another addiction because I didn’t address the underlying cause.

Wow! (Pun intended) I didn’t realise how hard it would be to write this, or publish it.
I hope it helps someone as much as it’s helped me. I’d love you to share your comment if it has.

Sometimes it feels like we’re swinging from one extreme to the other – one moment careening towards a crash, and a moment later, struggling up the mountain without a clear view of when (or if) we’ll reach the top.

Life can feel like a rollercoaster ride of heady peaks and stomach-churning troughs, and whilst we would all be terribly bored if it was just a flat track to the horizon… wouldn’t it be great if we could learn to balance out those pendulum-swings just a little? Even-it-up a bit so that it flowed more smoothly, and we could actually start to enjoy the ride?

Sam joins Paul on his train-journey of discovery into how we can keep the momentum and motivation flowing when we need it most!

We’ve just had our 5,000th motivational podcast download and are celebrating by giving away 4 free telephone coaching sessions. All you have to do is post a comment on our site (Comment on this post!) before 15 May and you may be the lucky winner. Click here for more details and leave a comment to win. Take that action now!

Whilst the perfectionist or overachiever in us cringes at the thought of requesting assistance and sharing the load, our controlling aspects can feel desperate and frustrated, and this seems to add to our stress and uncertainty.

Yet receiving help can be both a miracle and a gift – helping us to make progress and overcome challenges, whilst empowering the giver-of-help with a sense of achievement and purpose. They say two heads are better than one, so Gina & Sam put theirs’ together to explore just why asking for help is so hard, and how we can take small steps towards fruitful collaboration.

I’ve been on what seems like a permanent cycle of super-charged “let’s go for the uber challenge” route most of my adult life. And only recently have I made a conscious decision to get off the bloody hamster wheel. And let myself off the proverbial hook. There’s a good reason why Wayne Dyer chose to call his seminal book: Life Was Not Meant To Be A Struggle.

When I first flicked through his homilies, 20 years ago on a road trip from rainy Adelaide to sweat-stained Darwin, I could barely contain my cynicism. What did he know!? Life was tough, of course it was. How could it be anything different? Arrogance of youth, or rather ignorance of youth. I’d never know it to be anything else. So I left that book of wisdom in a mall bookshop in Alice Springs, and never looked back. Until years later, when I finally understood what the guy meant. With the benefit of hindsight – and 20 year’s life experience – I can see he was right all along.

Survival
As human beings, we are consciously, or unconsciously attempting to improve ourselves to test ourselves and become ‘better’ in some way. Nothing wrong in that – it’s natural evolution. And we often define ourselves by the challenges in life we successfully overcome. Again, nothing wrong in that, either. But I’m not talking about healthy, inspiring challenges here, such as learning to paint, starting a new job, moving to another country or leaning a musical instrument. I’m talking about an ego-induced sense that survival itself has to be a struggle. I AM, I exist, because I struggle. I am driven and motivated by struggle. Get the picture?

Trade off
Clearly there has be a trade-off with this battling, military mindset. Even someone’s language is a clue to their belief system: It’s a minefield/battleground out there. I’m going to soldier on… Rally the troops…

So what are we getting out of this perpetual battle? Firstly, when we are seen to be struggling, it shows everyone else that we are not a quitter. We’re trying hard, but it’s external circumstances that refuse to play ball. It means that at a profound subconscious level, we feel powerless to affect change in our lives. That we are not fully able to take responsibility for our selves in some way.

Battling away is also a method of eliciting sympathy from others. Itself a huge energy boost. Everyone loves the underdog – especially in Britain. Hey, don’t get too successful, otherwise we’ll shoot you down. The tall poppy (another battleground imagery/alliteration) syndrome.

Purpose
Many of us have a profound fear of boredom, of having no purpose in life. And a profound fear of commitment… Just two reasons out of many for choosing to live life on (often) java-fuelled red alert, and resist take a calmer, steadier, self-responsible and easier route to achievement.

How many of you know friends and acquaintances who are actually doing well in life, but still would prefer you to think that the going is tough for them? Someone, at some point in their lives has told them, either verbally or by living example, that life is a battle. They are living under the false assumption that if they are successful it has to be hard going. Hard work, yes, and persistence are two vital ingredients along the road to success. But not struggle.

Some of us firmly believe that life owes us a living. Why bother to shift when someone else, ie the state, can pick up the bills. This mindset of lack of contribution creates great internal struggle. Like many of these issues, it’s connected with self-esteem issues.

Avoiding asking for help?
Too many of us feel that we have to achieve it all alone. We fail to realise that other people are our greatest resource and that it’s actually fun to co-create with others. You can be stimulated, share your knowledge and feel supported. So much better than battling on alone. Go on, reaach out and ask someone for help today. Not only will you be receiving something special, you are also, very importantly, giving someone else the chance to give.

That old reptilian brain
Survival struggles are not about creating opportunities, they are more about remaining in our reptilian brain of instinct and survival. It’s all about the survival of me, myself and I. And has nothing to do with being part of the collective. Of being of service to others.

Another reason for the continual battle is that we fail to recognise values and beliefs collision in our lives. Hence we never quite achieve the success we desire. One half of us is going in one direction – towards happiness, and the other is yanking us back in an attempt to avoid potential pain which we may have to endure to achieve our idea of happiness. A double-edged sword.

Self-denial
Another reason for this internal battle, for the enemy always lies within, is a mindset that denies us the very things we love. We refuse to give ourselves the very things that can make us happy and fulfilled. Therefore we choose unhealthy relationships, bad food, careers that don’t satisfy us, toxic environments. And the excuses we give ourselves not to be creative (no time, no money, no good…) the list is endless. The internal battle continues… Ouch!!

Indeed, many of us on the struggling route worry that if it all became the Big Easy, a) life would be boring. b) we’d be somehow less deserving of our successes. c) we’d lack the drive to achieve further success. How nuts is that?!

Turning struggle into opportunity
As with most habits, after years of practice they become subconscious. So, the first way to stop the struggle is to become aware that we have a habitual behaviour of struggle. Look at all areas of your life: job, family, creative/spiritual life, finances, and environment. Which areas are you struggling in? Is this a pattern or a new circumstance? What are you getting out of this pattern of behaviour? Is the trade-off past its sell by date, leaving you frustrated or angry? Or are you still getting what you want out of life because of it? Be honest with yourself. And be kind to yourself.

Practise living and being in your intuitive (right-brain). Creative. I dwell in possibility. Instead of ego personality survival, take up activities to boost your intuition and your connection to spirit/source. The paths that will take you there include oga, meditation, playing music, “me” time, walking in nature. Look at the trees: as above so below. Firmly rooted in the earth, yet reaching up to embrace spirit. For we are all spirit descending into matter, and matter arising into spirit simultaneously.

Practise moments of stillness. Just before you go to sleep, review your day. And again, just a 5 minutes of mindless being before you get up is wonderful. Practise gratitude. Make a list of 10 things in your life that you are thankful for. Make another list of 10 things in your daily life that make you happy. This could be a smile from the postman, a hot shower after exercise, sharing a beautiful sunset with someone you love, to the smile on your child’s face as they are sleeping.

What do you LOVE?
Most of us are well practised in telling ourselves exactly what we don’t want in life, but we ain’t so good at listing all the things that we love. Another great boost to yourself is to write down all the things you love. What would you LOVE to be doing in life. No obstacles. What makes your heart sing? And what do you love about yourself. If you struggle with this one, ask your friends what they love above you. Pin this up somewhere you can see it daily. Believe it. And be live it….

Above all become conscious when feel yourself entering into a struggle cycle… Stop. Look. Listen. Acknowledge and feel into the tension but refuse to be drawn into battle with it. Observe it, play with it and above all, don’t take life, or yourself, too seriously. Life really was never meant to be a struggle.