Can you relate to the feeling of:

• Making things harder for yourself than they need to be?
• Allowing yourself to be distracted by something other than your priority?
• Punishing yourself when something isn’t perfect?
• Taking on too much when you know you can’t fit everything in?

Sometimes sabotage can show up in a way that obviously affects our goals, and other times it can show up more subtly. For example, I recently noticed myself being clumsy and getting injured a lot – which is very unlike me. All the bumps and bruises were subtly trying to distract me from the important actions I needed to take. But a more obvious example is: if you are focusing on becoming more healthy, then buying chocolates and crisps (because someone else in the house or visitors might need them) is a more direct form of sabotage – which puts the temptation right in front of you.

So why do we self-sabotage – particular the dreams we most want?

And more importantly, what can we do about it?

There is usually a pattern to our sabotaging behaviour, and this is likely to be driven by an underlying fear – so that we aren’t consciously aware of it, but it is ticking away in our sub-conscious like a time-bomb.

Because the fear is buried away, it can be hard to identify, but at its heart – the attempts to stop you achieving what you want are also giving you something to blame when things do go wrong. For example, “I would have achieved that if only … hadn’t gone wrong.”

So here is a 3-step plan for nullifying self-sabotage:

1. Starting from a place of building awareness, there are little signs we can look for to spot self-sabotage in action:
   • If you catch yourself doing something that is “unlike you”
   • If it feels like the world & his dog are against you, and trying to stop you from achieving your goal
   • If you are having trouble concentrating on and prioritising what is important to you
   • Things are feeling much harder and more draining than you think they should be

   Once you start noticing these feelings or behaviours, then you can choose to do something about it. The key to ending self-sabotage is to be willing to explore what is causing it – because when you bring it to light, it can’t continue to tick away underneath the surface anymore.

2. Explore the underlying fear. This is unlikely to be the most obvious reason, so asking yourself some quality questions can help identify the root cause:
   • What will it mean for me if I achieve my dream (or do well at this)?
   • What will people think of me once I’ve reached my goal?
   • I deserve my dream because…?

   For example, I was suffering severe stage fright prior to doing some live webinars and calls recently. I’ve never had stage-fright before, but it wasn’t fear of speaking to a group of people that was affecting me. When I asked myself the first question above, I realised that if I did well at this one it would mean I’d have to do more of them! So it was more about avoiding the thing that felt uncomfortable, than doing the actual presentation itself.
   You might not need to work through each of these questions, or there might be another question that works better for you. But if none of them resonate, then you can try asking yourself “Why?” five times when thinking about the fear that is holding you back to uncover its root.

3. Finally, it will help to choose empowering beliefs that will help you towards your dream rather than halt you from it. Try asking yourself:
   • What would I need to believe about myself to feel confident about achieving my goal?
   • What would I need to believe about myself to feel I deserve my dream?
   • In order to enjoy working towards my goal, what would I need to believe about it/myself?

   Again – you only need to answer one or two of these questions, but if you struggle to answer any of them there is another place you can start. Instead, ask yourself: “In order to feel so badly about taking this action or achieving my goal I’d need to believe …?”And once you’ve answered that one, return to the other questions. Chances are you’ll now find an answer to one of them, which you can compare to your initial response. You can then choose to work with and nurture the belief that empowers you, rather than the one that has been holding you back and sabotaging your success.

And once you’ve worked through these three steps, you can then address some of the feelings that self-sabotage had been causing – like learning to say “no” to something if you’ve already got other commitments or before you get to the point of feeling like there is too much to do; allowing something to be “good enough” rather than aiming for the impossible ideal of perfection; getting very clear about your priority, so that distractions come second-fiddle; and allowing the process of taking action towards your dream or goal to be easy and enjoyable instead of expecting it to be hard and painful!

Have you had any experiences of self-sabotage? How did you spot them, and how did you respond? Let us know whether you’ve had dreams derailed by fear, or whether you’ve been able to turn it around. And please do share with us if any of this resonated, or if the 3 steps help you move forwards with your goal!

Apparently, psychologist Clayton Barbeau gave the world the oft-used ‘shoulding all over yourself’, taken to a more below-the belt conclusion by another couch potato – clearly a big Freud fan – who dubbed it ‘musterbation’.

But whatever moniker you give this feeling, if you’re anything like me, once the dread word ‘should’ enters your brain you have a sudden indescribable urge to do exactly the opposite. Or put it off for weeks, nay months, even years for the more stubborn ‘delayers’ among us.

So where does all this wonderful ‘shoulding’ come from? Is it parents, teachers, the Bible, News of the World? Ourselves? Clearly in life there are certain essentials that do need doing: the garbage ‘should’ be taken out, otherwise you risk a rat-attack. And it’s advisable to engage in regular ablutions to avoid a sad case of Billy No Mates. But nowhere is there a written law for adults who have left the parental nest that you have to do any of those things. You can jolly well please yourself.

Differentiating between what is essential and what isn’t is a matter of conjecture and totally subjective. However, if you feel you are ‘shoulding’ on various topics way past their sell-by date, it may help to take a closer look… And ask yourself the question… What am I resisting here? Do the benefits of doing this outweigh the non-benefits? Whose voice is this? Mine or someone else’s? Am I delaying because actually doing this ‘should’ thing will make me unhappy?

‘I should get a job to pay my mortgage’ is a sensible thought indeed if you are currently sans income. But if the thought of doing work you previously hated, just to support some unscrupulous bankster cartel fills you with dread, then perhaps it would be useful to look at what other work you can do. Or sell. Downsize. There are always alternatives.

A client of mine who has made tremendous progress in dealing with her inner gremlin self-limiting beliefs told me last week that she ‘should go back into teaching’. When I asked her what she had gained from having left the profession three months ago, she quickly gave me 20 brilliant reasons why she was so much happier now. She definitely should not be going back to the Bronx and class warfare.

Stop shoulding all over yourself!

So, in an attempt to explore, and gently knock my deferral habit on the head once and for all (maybe a childhood fall from a horse is where it did, in fact, all go terribly wrong) here are my thoughts and findings on the whole Procrastination Phenomenon…

The Definition

Procrastination essentially means putting off till tomorrow what you can do today. Or as I read somewhere recently: “Procrastination is like masturbation; in the end you’re just screwing yourself”.

I couldn’t put it better myself. Procrastination also happens to be the ‘grave of opportunity’ for many of us. It sucks. So how does the ‘P’ word manifest itself in our daily life?

The Symptoms

A deliberate decision to defer doing things, ranging from: I’ll tidy up those papers later to… that ironing can wait, to I’ll apply for that job next week, to I’ll get a divorce next year when the economy’s better. We’re so good at making up excuses why we shouldn’t, can’t or just simply won’t do things we know need doing.

I know that I can suddenly have an irresistible urge to do the hoovering when I’ve got papers to file, my cupboards suddenly need sorting when I have a writing deadline, or I just have to get some fresh air when faced with demanding tax returns to fill out. The list and the excuses are endless. I even find myself ironing rather than doing what I should be doing. Crazy making. If I have a writing deadline, I will often wait until I’m up against the wire to get it done. This way it gets done faster, but I also put off more important deadlines like job applications and such like.

So why do we procrastinate?

The reasons we put things off are many and varied. Is it sheer laziness, this stubborn refusal to get on and do the damn thing, is it fear, or are our self-sabotaging habits indicative of more serious emotional and mental problems like depression?

I often procrastinate if I’m feeling overloaded or overwhelmed, and poor management is probably the key element here, but an inability to prioritise can lead to severe procrastination. Perfectionism, another dangerous ‘P’ word came up when I spoke to friends and colleagues about their own delaying tactics. We often have unrealistic standards – for ourselves and others – a self-limiting belief that it’s better not to start at all than to risk failure, or sub-standard contributions. Occasionally severe worry about a task to be done means that more time is spent angsting than doing, while some of us may feel that any kind of setback is a complete disaster – we have an “all or nothing” mindset. So don’t try again once we’ve experienced so-called ‘failure’.

And of course there are some things in life we have to do that are simply boring or difficult. It’s easy to put them at the end of our ‘to do’ list. More serious is the negative mind chatter that tells us ‘we’re useless’ or ‘nothing ever goes right for me’. If you are experiencing this to any degree, tell it to shut the f**k up. Or get professional help. Quick.

The Solutions

Here are a few strategies I’ve used to help me with my own procrastination:

1. Look at your list of ‘to do’s and list them in an order of priority. What are the things that you simply HAVE to do either today or tomorrow? Which are the tasks that can be left until next week or next month, without making you feel stressed?

2. Ask yourself exactly what you are gaining from procrastinating. What’s the trade-off here?

3. Mind your language. Try changing the ‘shoulds” “have to’s” and ‘can’ts to choose to and choose not to. This could be very revealing. No one has a gun at your head – perhaps you’re in a job/marriage/relationship that needs leaving!

4. Are your values aligned with your actions? Many of us doing work we actively dislike, assuming there are no options. Make a list of your values and see if your job is in synch. If not, then look around for another form of work. Yes, the economy is in dire straits, but there is plenty of work out there. Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t – you’re right!

5. As Brian Tracy recommends in his book, Eat The Frog – tasks can be looked up on as frogs – the most dreaded task being the ugliest frog. He recommends eating the ugliest frogs first!

6. Reward yourself when you do accomplish something. This is vital!

7. Remember, its better to produce/do something than nothing at all.

8. Just cut the bull and get on with it!

Good luck! And on a final note, here’s a great quote from William James:

“It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task, which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome”

Recommended Reading:

Eat that frog
Just Get On With It: A Caring, Compassionate Kick Up the Ass!
Procrastination: Why You Do It, What to Do About It
Do it Now: Break the Procrastination Habit