Are You Getting What You REALLY Want?

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We received a great question from one of our listeners who said,

“I recently had to make a significant life decision to end a long-term relationship and while I see this as a great opportunity to start fresh and REALLY go after what I want and need, I’m at a bit of a loss as to where to start. Any tips on getting clear on my own needs would be wonderful.”

In this podcast, Chris and Paul tackle the subject and provide two simple exercises that any can apply to their own situation.

One looks at identifying what you want more of, and less of. Another gets your mind stimulated by looking at experiences, people, characteristics and relationships that either fuel your energy or drain your energy.

After listening to this podcast, let us know what you want more of or send us a topic/question for a future show.

Ouch! Love hurts!

Love_hurts_by_AlephunkyRelationships – of any kind – are always a minefield of emotions… as the song goes “its a thin line between love and hate”.

Keeping your heart open after you’ve been hurt is almost counter-intuitive. Why would you want to do that?

Doesn’t make any sense at all to open yourself to another bruising…  It certainly makes sense to lick your wounds, look after yourself and be kind to your heart after a betrayal of trust. But it’s imperative you also stay open to receiving love from others, however much you’re hurting.

When a client of mine discovered his partner was seeing someone else, his whole world fell apart. He told me he felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach; a knife stabbed through his heart. A visceral, aching pain that he couldn’t handle. It took him months to get over the shock and the disappointment of this ultimate betrayal. He told me he wasn’t much fun to be around at that time.

It became clear during our sessions that he’d shut down his heart. And was pushing away friends who were trying to help him. And latterly he was also pushing away potential new partners. A double whammy pain.

He was shutting himself off from love, whereas he actually admitted to me he really needed to be held, to cry, to yell out, to laugh with friends who could support him. And when he stopped fighting himself, he began to allow allowed close friends in to support him. His real friends gently coaxed and nudged him through his pain – and often self-pity – to a happier space. And now, six months later, he is dating again. Cautiously but with an open heart.

So if you’re going through a break-up right now.. sure, acknowledge all your emotions – they need to be released. But please don’t close your heart to receiving love while you go through the letting-go process. You need it.

Photo: alephunky.deviantart.com

 

How to Give Effective Feedback

Giving feedback to others is something almost all of us do on a regular basis – sometimes more proactively, sometimes reactively. Often times done poorly.

In this podcast, Paul and Chris discuss the critical difference between giving well-intended feedback and well-delivered feedback. Delivering feedback well is a combination of making it meaningful, specific, respectful and authentic. Whether it’s to colleagues at the office, your kids at home or your partner, with a bit of forethought and consideration, you can have a significant impact on someone’s day…all in a matter of a few, well-delivered seconds.

Listen now and leave us a comment on what results you experienced after putting this in place.

Commitment doesn’t have to be scary…

Go slowly - you can trust yourself

COMMITMENT. Even the word strikes fear into the heart of many of us, while others actively search for this Holy Grail – within and without. It makes them feel safe.

Wherever you stand on the ‘C’ word, fear of commitment to a relationship seems to be a major part of many people’s psychological makeup today. Closely followed by fear of commitment to work, to a geographical location, to well, just about anything really. Perhaps we all have a little bit of the high plains drifter in us, whether we actively express it or not. But is this healthy?

Ultimately it’s all about a fear of commitment to ourselves.

Why we won’t commit
Often we fear commitment because we’ve been hurt before – and will do anything to avoid it happening again. We’ve been in relationships whereContinue reading

Rethinking Your Family Roles

Family Tree. VTda.infoFor most of us, we learn our family roles at a young age as we try to discover our place in the world, and they stick with us for the rest of our lives.

But whether good, bad, indifferent or confusing, we don’t have to inherit the roles established through youth or circumstance… we can choose to rethink the roles we want to play within our family.

And ‘family’ can refer to the people you choose to surround yourself with, not just your biological relatives, despite the oft-quoted adage that “you can choose your friends but not your family”. So what are these family roles we adopt, and why would we want to change them?

What are family roles?

I think of them as any physical, emotional or relational tie that we have to our family as a whole, or to individual members. They can be labels we take on, behaviours we repeat or feelings we associate with our family.

An example of some of the roles I’ve inherited are: black sheep, big sister, rule-breaker/boundary-stretcher, courageous (if a little crazy), rebellious daughter, golden granddaughter and international jet-setter. There are many more, and you would perhaps get a different list if you asked my family members to provide it instead, but these are roles that have affected my relationships with all of my family and that I accepted as part of my identity.

It is the last of these – international jet-setter – that has caused me to rethink my family roles recently in my 12th year of living overseas.

Understanding & Changing Them

I realised that part of me had assumed that ‘international’ also meant ‘distant’ Continue reading

Turn the Tables of Judgement!

Angry Mandy!
It’s all too easy to make snap judgements with friends and loved ones. If someone upsets us, we often go into immediate reaction with statements like: “You always…” or “You never…”.

Not the best way to engage and make positive emotional connections! It simply makes the other person shut down. Sam and Gina discuss the J-word vis-a-vis their own relationships. And offer 3 helpful tips on how we can check in on our own behaviour – and make powerful adjustments – before we start projecting and blaming others. 

Turn Regret Into Action

No Regrets....

No Regrets...

This is a time of the year when our thoughts turn reflective as we look back at the year we’ve had.

Can you say there’s nothing you regret?

Chris and Sam reckon it’s not too late to turn things around – whether it is something that didn’t happen or something that didn’t turn out as you’d hoped. Pick one thing you’d like to either resolve or at least progress a little, before the year is out. (We help out with some relationship examples). The more emotionally charged the better!

A baby step could see you dissolving a regret, freeing up some emotional energy or creating a stronger foundation to move forward from in 2012.

Make a real difference to this year and your relationships this week!

The Skill of Moving from Selfish to Selfless

In a recent discussion with a client, I was reminded of the importance of recognising our skill and ability to shift from being in a selfish place to one of being selfless.

Both of these positions can be thought of as emotional states that we ‘go to’ in certain circumstances.

The person I was speaking with recognised that he had been behaving somewhat selfishly in his relationship with his family.

I posed the question: Was being selfish in that situation a bad thing?

With a moment of reflection Continue reading

Get More Energy From Your Relationships

Is that possible? To get energised from your relationships? In this podcast Gina and Chris provide a practical strategy and steps to evaluate your current relationships. With this awareness you can make better decisions on how and who you spend your time with to improve your energy levels.

After this you’ll now have more energy to put towards the most important things in your life.

Leave a comment and let us know what you discovered by following this exercise and putting the strategy in place.

(Un)Great Expectations

Ever been accused of having high expectations?

Whilst expectations themselves seem part of human nature, those of us who hold high expectations for ourselves – complete with perfectionist foibles – tend to have reasonably high expectations of those around us too. Particularly if they are close to us!

But the greater the expectation, the more power it has to hurt us. All hurt and disappointment can be traced back to an expectation we’ve held. Continue reading

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