“The world worships the original” Ingrid Bergman
Being authentic, and by that I mean being yourself in a relationship is absolutely essential. For you and your partner. Yet many of us tread on eggshells around other people; trying to please, giving them what we think they want, and ending up tired, frustrated and often angry. And often blaming the other person for our lack of courage to be fully present and fully ourselves.
This fundamental lack of self-confidence means that we often attract others who find it equally challenging to be ‘themselves’. The result? Two people engaging with what is essentially two false personas! Not a recipe for an enduring, successful relationship. Especially if it’s subconscious.
Many of us feel that parts of us are ‘shameful’ and don’t want to reveal these hidden aspects, for fear that others will judge, condemn and ultimately leave us. The fear of abandonment (or its alter ego — engulfment) is a major subconscious and very conscious fear that invades and pollutes many adult relationships. Usually it’s based on past experience that has no present relevance. Yet like everything, if we focus on it enough, our fears become reality. A self-fulfilling prophecy which backs up our “I’m unlovable if I am truly my Self” mantra.
Often we project the blame for our inability to be totally authentic on to the other person. We have an inner dialogue that says: “they won’t let me, or they won’t like me as I really am” therefore to keep this person I have to project my persona. One example at the ‘minor’ end of the scale is a former work colleague who was still throwing away the cup of tea her boyfriend made for her each morning, because she didn’t have the heart to tell him she didn’t like the way he made it. And they’d been co-habiting for a year!
These seemingly minor incidents of not being honest can become a habit, leading – in the most extreme examples—of someone not telling their partner they’ve been made redundant.Continue reading