But like many habits, they have become so ingrained we don’t even know we are doing it. Learned helplessness can be the result of psychological and physical abuse, or we’ve mirrored it from watching caretakers and parents. Perhaps it was our only form of survival. And of course, this life strategy may have worked for us at one time, but it sure ain’t now.
Usually learned helplessness is a response to being out of control. Or dealing with situations in our lives where we feel we have absolutely no control. Essentially, it’s the ‘I give up’ route.

Learned Helplessness is “the hopelessness and resignation learned when a human….perceives no control over repeated bad events” (Myers, 2002)

Keith Joseph McKean has written that learned helplessness is based on three things:
1.    Internal blaming – “It’s me!”
2.    Global distortion – “It’ll affect everything I do!”
3.    Stability generalization – “It will last forever!”

If, like many children, you grew up in an environment where you continually received negative criticism, then you will get to a point where you feel you are not good enough. That you must somehow be a ‘bad’ child and therefore fully deserve to be criticised in such a fashion. As you can imagine, this is incredibly damaging to a child’s sense of self.

Children who grow up with this kind of parenting will often give up: at college, relationships, jobs – and it can lead to varying degrees of depression. They believe that if they succeed in life it’d down to sheer fluke, not their own innate abilities. An example of extreme learned helplessness is women who stay in abusive relationships. At one level they believe they are deserving of this – even though rationally they may be able to argue otherwise.

Perception
If you feel that you can’t change a situation, even though clearly you are well able to, then you may be exhibiting learned helplessness. The state of helplessness is learned after an individual’s attempts to correct situations failed, or were perceived to have failed. The feeling of helplessness is often expanded to future encounters with similar situations, or even vastly dissimilar situations. If you were brought up as a child in an environment where you were made to feel powerless, you may well be continuing this pattern into adulthood, even though there are no circumstances that could be motivating you to do this.

Characteristics of learned helplessness and emotional abuse
•    Feelings of low self- esteem (This is a result of being criticized too often as children and teenagers.)
•    We perpetuate these parental messages by judging ourselves and others harshly. We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionist and controlling.
•    We tend to isolate ourselves out of fear and we feel often uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.
•    We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us. Not wanting to hurt others, we remain “loyal” in situations and relationships even when evidence indicates our loyalty is undeserved.
•    We are afraid of losing others.
•    We are afraid of being abandoned.
•    It is difficult for us to “let go.”
•    We are intimidated by angry people and personal criticism. This adds to our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.
•    We continue to attract emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities.
•    We live life as victims, blaming others for our circumstances, and are attracted to other victims (and people with power) as friends and lovers. We confuse love with pity and tend to “love” people we can pity and rescue. And we confuse love with need.
•    We are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible. We take responsibility for solving others’ problems or expect others to be responsible for solving ours. This enables us to avoid being responsible for our own lives and choices.
•    We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests. We give in to others’ needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.
•    We deny, minimize or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods. We are unaware of the impact that our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our adult lives.
•    We are dependent personalities who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment that we tend to stay in situations or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears and dependency stop us form ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones. Because we feel so unlovable it is difficult or impossible to believe anyone can really love us, and won’t eventually leave us once they see how “bad” we are.
•    Denial, isolation, control, shame, and undeserved guilt are legacies from our family. As a result of these symptoms, we feel hopeless and helpless.
•    We have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships. Lacking clearly defined personal limits and boundaries, we become enmeshed in our partner’s needs and emotions. We often become codependent.
•    We tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end.
•    We have a strong need to be in control. We overreact to change things over which we have no control.

How to move forward out of learned helplessness
These feelings may be so ingrained that it takes a while to actually recognise them.
1. Firstly, ask yourself who you act out your learned helplessness with. Is it a partner, an authority figure, a family member.
2. How is this serving you now? Write down all the ways you are benefiting from being helpless with this person.
3. Write down all the ways you’d feel better if you weren’t so ‘helpless’ with them. Yes, it might change the dynamic. And yes you may well lose them as a friend. partner, but think of what you will gain as a result.
4. Write down the names of people you feel completely safe with. Often we feel safest with the people we can be totally ourselves with. There is no power struggle. They accept us totally as we are. There is no judgement. There is no criticism.
5. How kind are you being to yourself? If you are regularly telling yourself: “I’m stupid” “I’m an idiot” etc then that’s exactly the kind of people you will attract into your life. People who will mirror to you exactly how you feel about yourself.
6. Think back to the situations that caused your feelings of impotence and futility.
7. Find a counsellor or therapist who is trained and has experience of emotional abuse and learned helplessness.
As Janis Joplin so eloquently put it: “Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got!”

Many of us have successfully disengaged from unhealthy behaviour patterns such as learned helplessness. Once you become aware of how your patterns are stifling and sabotaging you, then you can take active steps to do something about it. There’s no rush… take your time, get support from friends and/or professionals –  and above all, be kind to yourself along the way.

Further Reading Recommendations (thanks to Sunshine Evert!):-

The Drama of a Gifted Child, by Alice Miller

The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine

The Dance of Fear by Harriet Lerner

We chatted for a bit, then he asked me the ‘big question’ – “Are you still playing?” I admitted, yes – that I was but that I was more aware of when I chose to play these days. He has been cold-turkey for quite a while now, so he sent me a link, and mentioned that it may inspire me to write a blog post. The site is www.wowdetox.com, and whilst I realised it was a link aimed to help people overcome their WoW addiction, I didn’t really expect it to have a lot of immediate relevance to me.

Paul and I have mentioned WoW on podcasts and blog posts from time to time – which is why I felt this dedicated post was appropriate. And for the record, I’d like to state that whilst I talk openly about my own gaming experience, in NO circumstances would I recommend WoW to anyone. In fact, I’d say ‘avoid it if you want to have any life’.

To give a bit of history, I’ve been playing WoW since it first came out ~ Feb/Mar 2005. Sure, I’ve had a few blocks of between 1-6 months of quitting it, but at its peak – I was playing >8hrs per day… this was on top of working 8-9hrs in my day-job, and commuting another 1-2hrs a day as well. You can imagine, that didn’t leave a lot of time for sleeping, socialising or anything much else! I jokingly referred to it as my 2nd fulltime role. After all, I was a high ranking ‘officer’ in a successful guild (invite-only community) – and my sense of obligation and duty to lead by example was a stunning display of commitment. I even used to boast about the fact that I had been in every raid organised by our guild minus only a couple, and only my dear friend Mem had a better attendance record than me!

With hindsight, I felt totally unfulfilled in my corporate role, and incredibly under-appreciated. WoW, and more so the community I felt I belonged to, fed my need for achievement and appreciation. It was only a very personal falling-out with the leader of the guild (another friend) that drew me out of that ever-worsening cycle. I took a 6 month break.

Still, I returned. And still I do.

Today, spending only a few minutes reading a couple of posts by fellow WoW-addicts on the Detox site, and watching the short video on there had me in tears.

I confess, I am a WoW addict. I may play a lot less hours per week now, and I’ve avoided getting caught up in any organised raiding anymore. But there is a pull that brings me ever back.

After 4+ years, I’ve developed some strong and wonderful relationships with people I’ve met through WoW. A lot have left the game & moved on; many, like myself, have had time-out but ultimately returned. The creators of the game did what real life has failed to do for many of us. They have created an environment wherein for the most part, you can put in time & effort, and you are guaranteed a reward or result.

Leaving University, I was totally disparaged in my first year of ‘the real world’ – because I learnt the hard way that in ‘Corporate’, the time & effort you put in very rarely equate to the reward and recognition you receive. Having been very academically gifted (where applied studiousness guarantees high results), that was an unpleasant shock!

But WoW delivers in this way that real-life largely fails to. And they charge us for this ‘pleasure’!

There are a myriad other reasons why WoW has been so popularly successful across the world – social sense of belonging, being judged by a face you choose to show (avatar) rather than the one you were born with, a fresh start where people don’t know your background or mistakes, not wanting to miss out on something new or fun, and I could go on. And to be fair, there is a lot about the game itself that I actually do enjoy!

The cost, however, is much MUCH higher than the monthly subscription fee I’ve been paying for over 4 years now and the initial game purchase price.

I always knew it was a form of escapism for me, and thought this was ok because my life after all was quite stressful! But today, I was reminded that WoW is a serious addiction for many people – and in some cases, a life-destroying one.

The Detox video asks you to consider if you are ready to cut back your game-time, or quit. And it reminds you that it is ok if you aren’t ready for that yet. The most important message they deliver is simply awareness.

I am not ready yet.

I really value the friendships I’ve built with certain people over time; and I know that the important ones will persist post-game if they’re meant to. But until I can replace WoW’s achievement-fulfilling ability with my own internal structure of reward and recognition – I’m still going to be drawn back. Even as a Coach, I’ve long recognised that I tend to miss out on the acknowledging of my progress and celebrating it (ideally with occasional rewards). This is something I easily help my clients with though and I see the amazing impact it has – so I’m having to be more conscious in applying it to my own life! It’s not just high-achievers who often overlook this.

So. Action: I’m going to talk to some of my gaming friends, and explain to them that if they need me for something, they can send me a text. If I’m available, I’ll log on. This way, I’ll start addressing the false sense of obligation I have to log in and play – ‘just in case one of them needs my help’.

And perhaps there’s a podcast in the wings here, where Paul and I can explore the nature of addiction and the importance of awareness – and choice.

Not all addictions are as debilitating as alcohol or as sinister as drugs. Food, sex, smoking, crises, WoW – whatever it is… the first step on the path to freedom is acknowledging your addiction (being honest with yourself), and to start noticing that is not serving you as well as you’d thought – and is likely doing you great disservice.

I don’t want to simply quit WoW, and end up replacing it with another addiction because I didn’t address the underlying cause.

Wow! (Pun intended) I didn’t realise how hard it would be to write this, or publish it.
I hope it helps someone as much as it’s helped me. I’d love you to share your comment if it has.

I’ve been on what seems like a permanent cycle of super-charged “let’s go for the uber challenge” route most of my adult life. And only recently have I made a conscious decision to get off the bloody hamster wheel. And let myself off the proverbial hook. There’s a good reason why Wayne Dyer chose to call his seminal book: Life Was Not Meant To Be A Struggle.

When I first flicked through his homilies, 20 years ago on a road trip from rainy Adelaide to sweat-stained Darwin, I could barely contain my cynicism. What did he know!? Life was tough, of course it was. How could it be anything different? Arrogance of youth, or rather ignorance of youth. I’d never know it to be anything else. So I left that book of wisdom in a mall bookshop in Alice Springs, and never looked back. Until years later, when I finally understood what the guy meant. With the benefit of hindsight – and 20 year’s life experience – I can see he was right all along.

Survival
As human beings, we are consciously, or unconsciously attempting to improve ourselves to test ourselves and become ‘better’ in some way. Nothing wrong in that – it’s natural evolution. And we often define ourselves by the challenges in life we successfully overcome. Again, nothing wrong in that, either. But I’m not talking about healthy, inspiring challenges here, such as learning to paint, starting a new job, moving to another country or leaning a musical instrument. I’m talking about an ego-induced sense that survival itself has to be a struggle. I AM, I exist, because I struggle. I am driven and motivated by struggle. Get the picture?

Trade off
Clearly there has be a trade-off with this battling, military mindset. Even someone’s language is a clue to their belief system: It’s a minefield/battleground out there. I’m going to soldier on… Rally the troops…

So what are we getting out of this perpetual battle? Firstly, when we are seen to be struggling, it shows everyone else that we are not a quitter. We’re trying hard, but it’s external circumstances that refuse to play ball. It means that at a profound subconscious level, we feel powerless to affect change in our lives. That we are not fully able to take responsibility for our selves in some way.

Battling away is also a method of eliciting sympathy from others. Itself a huge energy boost. Everyone loves the underdog – especially in Britain. Hey, don’t get too successful, otherwise we’ll shoot you down. The tall poppy (another battleground imagery/alliteration) syndrome.

Purpose
Many of us have a profound fear of boredom, of having no purpose in life. And a profound fear of commitment… Just two reasons out of many for choosing to live life on (often) java-fuelled red alert, and resist take a calmer, steadier, self-responsible and easier route to achievement.

How many of you know friends and acquaintances who are actually doing well in life, but still would prefer you to think that the going is tough for them? Someone, at some point in their lives has told them, either verbally or by living example, that life is a battle. They are living under the false assumption that if they are successful it has to be hard going. Hard work, yes, and persistence are two vital ingredients along the road to success. But not struggle.

Some of us firmly believe that life owes us a living. Why bother to shift when someone else, ie the state, can pick up the bills. This mindset of lack of contribution creates great internal struggle. Like many of these issues, it’s connected with self-esteem issues.

Avoiding asking for help?
Too many of us feel that we have to achieve it all alone. We fail to realise that other people are our greatest resource and that it’s actually fun to co-create with others. You can be stimulated, share your knowledge and feel supported. So much better than battling on alone. Go on, reaach out and ask someone for help today. Not only will you be receiving something special, you are also, very importantly, giving someone else the chance to give.

That old reptilian brain
Survival struggles are not about creating opportunities, they are more about remaining in our reptilian brain of instinct and survival. It’s all about the survival of me, myself and I. And has nothing to do with being part of the collective. Of being of service to others.

Another reason for the continual battle is that we fail to recognise values and beliefs collision in our lives. Hence we never quite achieve the success we desire. One half of us is going in one direction – towards happiness, and the other is yanking us back in an attempt to avoid potential pain which we may have to endure to achieve our idea of happiness. A double-edged sword.

Self-denial
Another reason for this internal battle, for the enemy always lies within, is a mindset that denies us the very things we love. We refuse to give ourselves the very things that can make us happy and fulfilled. Therefore we choose unhealthy relationships, bad food, careers that don’t satisfy us, toxic environments. And the excuses we give ourselves not to be creative (no time, no money, no good…) the list is endless. The internal battle continues… Ouch!!

Indeed, many of us on the struggling route worry that if it all became the Big Easy, a) life would be boring. b) we’d be somehow less deserving of our successes. c) we’d lack the drive to achieve further success. How nuts is that?!

Turning struggle into opportunity
As with most habits, after years of practice they become subconscious. So, the first way to stop the struggle is to become aware that we have a habitual behaviour of struggle. Look at all areas of your life: job, family, creative/spiritual life, finances, and environment. Which areas are you struggling in? Is this a pattern or a new circumstance? What are you getting out of this pattern of behaviour? Is the trade-off past its sell by date, leaving you frustrated or angry? Or are you still getting what you want out of life because of it? Be honest with yourself. And be kind to yourself.

Practise living and being in your intuitive (right-brain). Creative. I dwell in possibility. Instead of ego personality survival, take up activities to boost your intuition and your connection to spirit/source. The paths that will take you there include oga, meditation, playing music, “me” time, walking in nature. Look at the trees: as above so below. Firmly rooted in the earth, yet reaching up to embrace spirit. For we are all spirit descending into matter, and matter arising into spirit simultaneously.

Practise moments of stillness. Just before you go to sleep, review your day. And again, just a 5 minutes of mindless being before you get up is wonderful. Practise gratitude. Make a list of 10 things in your life that you are thankful for. Make another list of 10 things in your daily life that make you happy. This could be a smile from the postman, a hot shower after exercise, sharing a beautiful sunset with someone you love, to the smile on your child’s face as they are sleeping.

What do you LOVE?
Most of us are well practised in telling ourselves exactly what we don’t want in life, but we ain’t so good at listing all the things that we love. Another great boost to yourself is to write down all the things you love. What would you LOVE to be doing in life. No obstacles. What makes your heart sing? And what do you love about yourself. If you struggle with this one, ask your friends what they love above you. Pin this up somewhere you can see it daily. Believe it. And be live it….

Above all become conscious when feel yourself entering into a struggle cycle… Stop. Look. Listen. Acknowledge and feel into the tension but refuse to be drawn into battle with it. Observe it, play with it and above all, don’t take life, or yourself, too seriously. Life really was never meant to be a struggle.