I’m taking you up on your challenge. As someone who’s been trying to put up a website for my jewelry for the past FIVE years, I REALLY needed to hear this. The thought of creating a site was just soo overwhelming to me and as a result I just haven’t done anything. Paul, your insight about how we always think the steps towards the goal needs to be big and difficult REALLY spoke to me.

And Gina, I can completely relate to your comment about how time is just speeding up, clearly, I am no stranger to procrastination.

Thank you soo much for this podcast, I thoroughly enjoyed it and you’ve really motivated me to take action.

Cheers,

Shola

How do I find the audio version? I’ve had a search but no luck so far.

It’s funny how both Sam and Gina have mentioned ‘The artist’s way’ and another book I read (Simple Abundance) mentioned it too. I have put it on my wish list for Christmas and am going to buy a copy for my mum too (who is an artist).

I think you would really enjoy reading ‘Simple Abundance’ (it is for women but there is a men’s version too that I have bought for Andy for Christmas ……. don’t tell him)

Companies have the option to use technology to easily set up mentoring programmes and match well mentors to mentees.

We have seen in the USA a great interest in mentoring, hopefully we will see the same within organisations in the UK.

I’m retyping this as a technical glitch lost my reply…funny the way these things happen!

The brilliant thing about hindsight and past experiences is that we can choose the perspective we hold on them. We have the power to rewrite our stories, changing their meaning and impact for us in the process.

The end of a marriage (~divorce) is acknowledged as one of the most stressful things in life, yet it doesn’t have to be a vicious nightmare. You and I have both demonstrated that it is possible to retain a healthy & caring relationship with an ex. Even in the most difficult experiences, we can’t control how others behave – but we can choose our own reactions.

I know how much you love your kids! How would it be if you saw your first marriage as a success because it blessed you with two wonderful children?
You mentioned that you and Andy have changed your behaviours and priorities as a result of your first marriages. Could it be that those were exactly the experiences you both needed to have created the marriage now that you truly desired?

Whilst my marriage ‘failed’ according to my Christian belief of marriage-for-life, there are a lot of successes in it too if I’m willing to look for them.
Having been a child of an extremely messy divorce, I am deeply grateful to my husband and myself for proving that separation whilst intensely painful can be done with good grace.

I think the saddest thing of all would have been to experience the end of a marriage, and not to have learnt anything about ourselves at all.

You add so much to the ActionPodcast discussions – thanks again for being such an active member of this community!

With love & curiosity,
Sam

Great to hear from you both! It is fab to be back in action again
Thanks for sharing with us some of the ideas you had after listening to the podcast, how you’ve applied them and other things that have worked to help you keep a reality check on those areas of your lives that needed it more (the family diary & orders of the week sound wonderfully useful as well as a great way to teach about responsible time/event management!).

I’ve amended the post to include details on the Morning Pages activity, and The Artist’s Way – which is where I learnt more about this fabulous tool.

Do let us know how you’ve been getting on with trying out some of these ideas a month or two on!

With love & curiosity,
Sam

For weekly events such as swimming lessons, dance classes, cadets etc I have made an ‘orders of the week’ chart on the computer and stuck it on the kitchen wall. Each person has a different colour to make it easier for the little ones to spot their own column. It’s really helped them to be responsible for getting their equipment ready by the front door the night before.

I love Sam’s idea of writing whatever comes to mind first thing in the morning. I’m going to use the journal app on my iphone to do that.

Lovely to have you back by the way Sam!

I believe it depends on personality if you need to quit an addiction all together or can nipple it so to speak

I know that for my smoking I needed to cut it hard, completely and utterly. It simply took way too much energy for me to argue with myself over and over if it now was time to get that first or 2nd cigarette of the day that I had allowed myself. It took way too much energy and time and struggle to stop myself from telling myself: well, you can get another one, it doesn’t matter anyway.

So I think, if you’re really good at keeping promises for yourself, then you can quit partially and at a level that’s healthy for you. But if you’re not good at keeping promises for yourself, or at least obey yourself without argument, then it’s no go and you should quit completely.

I have friends who can manage the one-two smokes a day without any problems what so ever. If I try that, I just slowly start to smoke more and more as I break one promise to myself after another. I’m not good at keeping them when it’s only myself it relies on.

Also, I’m the type who’ll eat the entire candy-bag once it’s opened in a very short time. I’m not good at saving pleasures for later. Other people are the opposite and I think they can easier manage to quit an addiction partially.

There’s a danger with partial quitting. That you in essence fool yourself. “Sure, I can’t be addicted when I only play one hour a day, can I?” Typical argument. Fact is that yes, you can be addicted even if you only play 5 min a day. It all comes down to why you play and how you do it. My ex, who is an alcoholic, didn’t drink every day, but once in a while. According to himself he weren’t addicted any longer. Bullshit I say, because he still drank for all the same reasons and had all the same behaviours around it. He was merely fooling himself because he wasn’t ready to face reality and take responsibility for his own life and actions.

Addictions are very interesting, the topic is fascinating and there’s so many aspects to it. Just think about it, many of us are addicted to our habits and morning routines. The whole thing of not being able to wake up properly without that shower and that cup of tea in that order

It is brilliant that you’ve found our podcast helpful, and that it has enabled you to ask for help on this immediate challenge!
You’ve done some great work in getting this far with your PhD, and in working with Paul’s action steps which you’ve shared with us via email – so I’d just like to add a couple of extra observations & questions to Paul’s initial great plan!

- Are you doing this PhD ‘for yourself’ or for someone else? An external source of motivation can be a real drain on energy levels, and make it hard to sustain action. Chris wrote a blog on the different types of motivation which may help you to get a feel for where you’re at with this, and decide if it is worth exploring what the internal-pull type motivation for your PhD would be. http://www.actionpodcast.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-discovering-your-ultimate-motivation-749/#more-749

- What would a really exciting, inspired end to your PhD thesis be? What would it look like? What would these last 2 chapters need to be like to really bring the entire thesis off the page and into energetic substance?

- It sounds like you have both a very supportive workplace, and partner, to help you achieve this and finally free up the energy that has been tied into it for 10 years! The relief this will bring you will be phenomenal! In what ways can you make the most of your workplace’s support during the next 5 weeks in order to complete your thesis? Making the most of all resources & support available to you now will pay off for everyone with the energy you’ll free up once this is done – & remember: there is always a ‘cost’ of not utilising support that is available.

- You may well come across a hurdle, distraction or equally important priority that could override even your best intentions to achieve your writing targets at some point during your plan. You mentioned a couple of options already for working this into your schedule realistically. What contingency can you build into your plan? What other options come to mind?

- The incremental distractions of the internet can really eat into available time. What does using the internet give you? How is it serving you? What *specific* topics would help with your writing of these last 2 chapters? If you have a specific aim for the articles you’re looking for, then it will take a lot less time to find them than via general browsing; & will help you get clear on what is taking you closer to your target of completing the PhD, vs what is taking you away from it. Then your choices become clearer!

- How hard are you being on yourself? The thing that struck me the most, was that you are perhaps beating yourself up with a big (figurative) stick for even the smallest blips (like your website address being wrong!). If you were to adopt a large feather instead of this big stick – just for the next five weeks – how would that be? What would be different?

Paul & I are excited to be helping you through this, both cheering you on with support & providing constructive challenge when necessary. We look forward to hearing how you progress over the next 5 weeks!

With love & curiosity,
Sam

Thanks again for joining us here, and especially for adding your comments on this topic!
It certainly does seem like there is scope for much more exploration of Addiction, and I’ll be aiming to tackle another couple of angles on it over the next few weeks. One of the things that occurred to me today, is that whilst there is often a primary need that the addiction is serving (at least initially), there are likely to be secondary needs that also must be addressed or at least considered, when looking to dissolve an addiction & it’s effects.
Also – you touched on the fact that most of us can relate to some level of addiction, and this is important too. Not all addictions are as ’serious’ as some of the ones I’ve mentioned in my post above. Many of us can relate to needing that initial cup of coffee to ‘get going in the morning’, or of having a favourite ‘comfort’ food that we turn to in times of stress, or even surfing the internet daily (where we seem to lose quantities of time to it, or feel disconnected if we can’t keep up-to-date with our favourite news website or forum etc).

Do let me know if there are other areas of it you’d like to see explored too!

With love & curiosity,
Sam

I really want to start by acknowledging the tremendous changes you’ve made, and your honesty in sharing your story with us too – thank you! It is inspiring to hear from someone who has moved on successfully!

You raise a really important point about addictions – that at some point in our lives, they have SERVED us in some way. For me, my WoW addiction brought a sense of achievement; for you, your online roleplaying brought a sense of social connection (which helped you rebuild your confidence & find the courage for change).
What happens though, is that even once we’ve moved through the point in our lives where our addiction served us (I left the corporate world I found so unfulfilling; you broke free from your violent marriage), the addictive components of it (chemical, habitual etc) still remain. So we are left with an addiction that is now doing us a DISSERVICE.

There is definitely a lot of opportunity for learning, awareness & understanding that this can offer us!

The pointers you shared with us are a great example of how you identified the underlying need that was being met by your addiction, and built some great and positive sources of that into your life instead! By combining your passion and your social networking into your work, you’ve given yourself a wonderfully supportive foundation to continue building on – and one that motivates you to remain on that path.

They say ‘all things in moderation’, and this could well be another aspect of addiction worth exploring. Does recovery need to be ‘all or nothing’ through either a cold-turkey approach or a gradual reduction? Or is moderation in the face of addiction possible? More intriguingly, once we fulfill the underlying need positively, can the allure of the addiction disappear entirely?

I really appreciate you joining us and adding so much to this discussion!

With love & curiosity,
Sam

Thanks again for your feedback – deeply appreciated!
It is really wonderful to know that our podcasts are reaching people, connecting with them, and helping them – wherever they are in their current journey; and it is such a pleasure to see you expanding your awareness, stretching your bounds, and finding your wings to fly as you work through the topics that resonate with you in timely ways!

Keep on shining bright Bernard!

With love & curiosity,
Sam

Thanks for your comments, and the link to your own exploration of how it feels to give & receive advice – as well as looking at the sustainability impact of advising vs asking insightful questions!
We can be lucky to have some moments where friends/family/colleagues are able to ask us poignant questions that help us create a perspective shift. We may not recognise those moments or questions as tools that we can draw upon in other challenging situations; and sometimes we might need a series of questions & reflections that really help us open up whatever was holding us back.
Your blog mentions that Coaching is a brilliant opportunity to access our inner wisdom, and that this provides a growing foundation of tools & resources that we (Clients) can use going forwards. I’ve always loved the idea that as a Coach, part of my purpose is to make myself redundant in this way! And of course, there is always the option to come back for more focused Coaching support should a new brick wall show up that you aren’t sure how to start tackling!

With love & curiosity,
Sam

I wrote a blog post on this subject some time ago that deals with some of these issues: http://coolbeesplace.blogspot.com/2008/11/giving-and-receiving-advice.html

I think it is so important for coaches to be non-directive. With friends and colleagues it is also important to let people talk and figure things out for themselves rather than jumping in and ‘advising’ them!

Thanks so much and I’ll let you know tomorrow night what happened.

Thanks for your comment. Sounds like you have got so far already but just that last little bit is being a really hard nut to crack! Yes a coach would be able to help you through this but I’ll try my best to give you some suggestions as you requested.

Break it down: How many days per week do you want to spend working on your thesis? Be realistic here. Think about how much time per day you can comfortably work without getting too distracted ( see a previous podcast where Gina sharpens her pencils! ).

Once you know how much time you can commit to, divide the chapters in to paragraphs, sentences or a word count so you can determine how much you need to do per session to have completed this in time.

Now you should roughly know how much work you need to do and how often you need to do it. Now again be honest with yourself, does that sound achievable? Do you need to tweak anything to make it more realistic?

Once you have fine tuned your plan, write it down in a short statement and read it aloud a few times. Does it sit comfortably with you? Yes- Great on to the next stage, No- do a bit more tweaking!

Now you have your plan and have accepted and committed to it. Think about what you will do about scheduling your time. What will you need to do to prepare? Who needs to be told about this so they give you the time and space you’ll need to focus? What will be distracting for you and how will you combat it? How will you celebrate your progress each day/week and finally upon completion? This kind of prep work will help you slide naturally into the work without getting caught off guard and failing to do anything.

A good test at this point is to ask yourself, when this is all done and dusted, how will it make me feel? What will it mean to me? What did I find hard about doing this?

Lastly, but strangely firstly…. what do you have to do right now to start the ball rolling? When I say now, I do mean right now, or at least within the next 24 hours. Often people tell me the first thing they need to do is XYZ, but I always ask, OK to do XYZ what do you have to do before that so that you hit XYZ running? Hopefully you’ll think of something so simple, easy and obvious that it will be at this point to find the mists have cleared and you now have a structure laid out in front of you that seems strikingly easy to follow!

Let me know how you get on, either by re-posting here or contact me directly via email paul at actionpodcast dot com.

Good luck!

I can really relate to this and I’m going to ask for some help.

I have 1 1/2 chapters of my PhD thesis left to write, and have to have it done by July 26. But I am so bored, so unmotivated and so convinced that I don’t have anything worthwhile to say, and that I’m dumb (!), I think I need a coach.

Any suggestions?

Great podcast. You really seem to have a gift for nailing things simply and concisely.

Great job

Blessings
Bernard

These online networks can be amazingly good at a period in life, but they take a lot as well. I use my gaming to get out of a violent marriage, the success of my character gave me the belief and courage to break free and that I could. Creating friendships online had me visit a bunch of them in the US for 5 weeks, probably the best holiday in my life, I met some very deep friends, which I still have contact with, and one became my coach helping me get control of my life, break my tendency to self-destruction, helped me change behaviours and move forward.

About half a year ago I practically stopped playing, I would log on, wait for my close friends/those fun to RP with to get online, but in general I felt very unfulfilled and dissatisfied. Eventually I just let my subscription run out and haven’t missed it since.

I realized it was the social aspect I was longing for and missing when I took breaks. But leaving and not playing showed me how shallow many of them were. It was a false sense of company to be online with people. I guess I learned it the hard way when people stopped talking to me when I stopped playing. The few true friends I have this way still talk, but the social need wasn’t covered after I stopped.

I built my own RL social circles instead, and the more I go out to networking events, visiting people, working on Taunaki, being in contact due to Taunaki and so on, the less I miss the online world and the friendships there.

I’ve learned a lot from it and while it’s been an escape, it’s also been a good lesson and valuable at the time. It gave me the belief that I could be loved and appreciated, that I have value and all those things.

My advice is:
~ Work with stuff RL that’s your passion. I love my work with Taunaki and it’s very fulfilling. It’s my passion and drive. It makes me happy, makes me feel I accomplish things, it’s a wonderful challenge, huge life lesson and professional lesson as well and so on.
~ Be social. Get out and meet new people. Attend a local networking event where everybody are there to meet new people and create contacts. I do it both for Taunaki and looking for potential partners and investors, but just as much for me to get out and be social.

Combining the two, my passion and networking pretty much gives me the same fulfilment as playing did. My roles are perhaps somewhat the same now as what my characters did in many ways, so that might be why.

I hope this helps. Gaming and escaping can be good, but only in moderation. A short period of life to get a chance to breathe, feel success and then you face the real world again and conquer it.

Good luck, you’ll get there!
Pia

Love your podcast kisses,
Vera

Wow! Thanks for your comments about the challenge of asking for help! I particularly love the way you mentioned asking for some diesel, and added some really interesting questions to the mix!
You’ve inspired another thought in me too – another way we can start taking small action steps towards being more comfortable in asking for help.
Start by asking yourself for help.
What one thing, if you asked yourself for help with it, would really shift a gear and get you moving just now?
You also touched on the fact that when we look after ourselves (or allow someone to help us), that we are in a better position to help others! It would be a real challenge to offer to help someone out of the quicksand, if we’re stuck right in there beside them!

With love & curiosity,
Sam

A fellow Aussie!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to offer this feedback!
I’m really glad that you were touched by my poem, and that you found us through iTunes – welcome!
With ActionPodcast we really strive to deliver timely and relevant topics – so it is great that you feel we are achieving this!
Do let us know if there are any particular topics you’d be interested in hearing us tackle, and I trust you’ll continue to enjoy this journey with us.

With love & curiosity,
Sam